Good endings

As a writer, I am always about a good ending. There is nothing like that feeling of denouement and completion when you set the book down for the last time because the story is finished. I have noticed recently that I enjoy this in terms of chaos as well. A good ending satisfies on its own and not just as a means to a new creation.

That being said, we did not need the tire to go flat on John's birthday while he was at work. We were properly prepared, there was a donut but we were not quite yet prepared to have to buy a new tire around the holiday and bills. I am going to try to keep the hubs calm or at least less anxious after he gets back home. I am not sure it's going to be so easy. Still, it's going to be as great of a birthday for him as I and our friends can manage.

I have done more baking in the past two weeks than I probably have all year. Somehow I need to develop that sort of a habit about my writing. Still, it is the holiday season and we all should be taking time to spend with families and friends more than anything else. It's stressful but it's good. It's the best way to end out the year.

Thickening Skin

I did not realize that July 21st was going to be my last day at the funeral home until that moment that Brenda and Laura both wanted to formally "talk to me for a minute." Something was wrong, and I was fairly certain that it was going to end with my services were no longer needed. On the bright side, I'm eligible for rehire, but I realize that is a piece of paper designed to make future employers not think I was a terrible employee when I wasn't. The problem with funeral homes is that office personnel are not needed if the business is too slow. Emporia may not be big enough for two funeral homes, but I guess it's not my problem anymore.

Related to this, I now have a bottom layer of blue-green parrot-esque hair. The top was supposed to be purple, but my hair refused to take the purple dye at all. So I'm not nearly as exotic as I wanted to look.. When I get upset, I dye my hair, and I saw this as possibly one of the last opportunities I may have for doing something insane with my hair for quite awhile. My friends were also providing free dye that they could not or were not going to use, so there is that as well.

On the positive side, Flat Earth Hobbies is slowly crawling to its feet. We have Tsunami Con in Wichita in November which will be our official debut. We should have at least one flagship table completed by then. Two of the general partners will be at Gen Con next week with one of our dice trays and some of our business cards. We've been to one of the farmers markets at Emporia thus far selling some things that are "on target" with our preferred audience and some that are just for the farmer's market crowd to try and raise capital, but we're going to be a bit more regular throughout the year trying to practice our display skills.

I start my training as a graduate assistant this week. Nothing was said about my hair when I brought up dress code, so we'll see. I may get told to dye back to a natural color, but that's fine. Classes start back a week from tomorrow. For good or ill, they are both online again.

The North American Collegiate Hearthstone Tournament 2 has been interesting so far. I advanced because of a no show, fell in the second round, but there's now talks of redoing round 2 today and going through round four by 7 tonight. I am glad our usual Sunday gaming with friends is cancelled today.

John is enjoying his new job and we are finally starting to get ahead because of it. I worry all the time that everything is just going to fall apart but I don't tell him that. He worries enough without my help. I am getting tired of being the bounce back queen, though. Some smooth sailing would be awesome. Just for a little bit.

Destructive Chaos

To be fair, it is impossible to be a proponent of chaos if you are not willing to destroy as well as create. Most of us are fairly willing to throw away trash, and that's the easy part. What's not so easy is growing enough as a person to get rid of useless trinkets or things that you held on to because of false sentiment, dragon/packrat syndrome, or the misplaced phobia that you "might still need it one day."

For me, moves are an excellent catalyst to slip into that mindset. Old things do not always need to be kept; and some should be destroyed to give you that breathing room in which to create. Sometimes, it is enough to donate to another person, but sometimes things should be broken or broken down. Recycle, burn, tear apart those things that no longer serve you.

Where it gets truly painful for me is when I reach that point that I find myself having to re-evaluate relationships and personal connections. Chaos is fluid, but humans are not always so willing to change. Sometimes when we grow as individuals, not everyone is willing to join us further. I have become closer to some friends, more distant with others. I recognize this as necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can no longer pander to people. You reach a point where you realize that you're not helping someone if you're doing all the work they need to be doing themselves especially when they demand of you things you shouldn't have to give.

Last week sped up my inner momentum, because I had to budget my time so much more carefully with pulling a 45 hour week while still keeping up with assignment deadlines. I feel more confident than I have in a long while because of that trial by fire. I hope it stays and that my normal anxieties do not overwhelm me during this process.

Right now, I'm looking at bags of refuse that might have held someone else's falsely perceived gold and I feel pleased.