Destructive Chaos

To be fair, it is impossible to be a proponent of chaos if you are not willing to destroy as well as create. Most of us are fairly willing to throw away trash, and that's the easy part. What's not so easy is growing enough as a person to get rid of useless trinkets or things that you held on to because of false sentiment, dragon/packrat syndrome, or the misplaced phobia that you "might still need it one day."

For me, moves are an excellent catalyst to slip into that mindset. Old things do not always need to be kept; and some should be destroyed to give you that breathing room in which to create. Sometimes, it is enough to donate to another person, but sometimes things should be broken or broken down. Recycle, burn, tear apart those things that no longer serve you.

Where it gets truly painful for me is when I reach that point that I find myself having to re-evaluate relationships and personal connections. Chaos is fluid, but humans are not always so willing to change. Sometimes when we grow as individuals, not everyone is willing to join us further. I have become closer to some friends, more distant with others. I recognize this as necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can no longer pander to people. You reach a point where you realize that you're not helping someone if you're doing all the work they need to be doing themselves especially when they demand of you things you shouldn't have to give.

Last week sped up my inner momentum, because I had to budget my time so much more carefully with pulling a 45 hour week while still keeping up with assignment deadlines. I feel more confident than I have in a long while because of that trial by fire. I hope it stays and that my normal anxieties do not overwhelm me during this process.

Right now, I'm looking at bags of refuse that might have held someone else's falsely perceived gold and I feel pleased.

Dark Days of Autumn Rain

My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.
Robert Frost
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The clouds surrounding Emporia, Kansas,  are pouring down rain today in a way that reminds me more of April than October. It seems so easy to believe that we are in early spring rather than nearing the middle of autumn. Winter will be here before we know it, evidenced by the smoky scent on the wet air and the changing colors of the leaves.

Outside of work and school, my days have been preoccupied with preparing myself and my living spaces for what I consider the end of the old year. My mind has been busy considering issues I have been putting off  and that should be completed before winter sets in. Cleaning and reorganizing has represented a big chunk of it, but dealing with health issues around my home has been another.

Even so, the latter half of October feels as if it is going to fly by. I'm just hanging on for the ride. Sometimes, it feels more as if I am hanging on for dear life more than I have a handle on the situation. Flexibility, I am told, is a very good thing. That might be my biggest life lesson to work through this season.

I'm ready to see pumpkins, costumes, my good friends, and a grand old tree in the heart of the woods surrounding ESU, as part of my October journeys.